Up Substitute Creek Without Any Bullets.

When I was a child I won a screaming contest at a community festival. Specifically It was a “mom calling” contest. The point of the contest was to teach children to scream for their mom as loud as they could if they were ever approached by a stranger. The results of the contest established which child was the loudest and therefore the most kidnapping resistant. That summer it was me.

Then I came back the next summer and proved once again that I was virtually immune to kidnapping.

I don’t know how seriously the Kirkwood Green Tree Festival takes their record keeping, but I don’t think its too presumptious to assume that I’m one of a few, if not the only, back-to-back winner of the mom calling contest. I do know for certain, that in my mom calling career, I’m undefeated.

Vocal amplitude is something that I take very seriously. It’s one of the main reasons I was able to make it so long into the 21st century without a cellular phone. It is also the main reason that I’m 25 years old and have never been in a fist fight

A loud voice ensures the respect and admiration of fellow fans at sporting events, acts as a life saving device for an avid cyclist, and as I am realizing today, is integral to my efficacy as a substitute teacher.

This weekend was among the most vocally taxing of my life. I went to a Halloween party, led a protest of discriminatory practices at a corporate soap box derby, and, oh yeah, the Cardinals won an important baseball game.

So here I am in the lion’s den without a tranquilizer dart. No voice at all. If things get ugly… well lets just hope there’s enough left to call for help.