Monday, March 26, 2007

This Much is For Sure

My 26th birthday was over spring break. The weather is starting to get nice. Birds are chirping. My beard's starting to fill in. It's not pitch black when I wake up in the morning. The St. Louis Public Schools lost it's accreditation and middle school kids are still my relentless tormentors.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Lost Seinfeld Episode: "The Iron Chef"

My friend Brian Tunney, who is also kind of my "boss" at my other "job" which is unpaid and doesn't involve substitute teaching, has a blog. On it right now is a bunch of fictional Seinfeld plotlines that he wrote. I was so inspired reading them that I had to steal his idea and write my own at shool today. Here it is:

Jerry is dating a woman named Cynthia Pazole who is an executive at cable television's Food TV. She is over at Jerry's apartment when Kramer barges in looking to borrow some Italian parsley. He is making a "a simple, classic veal spedini." Cynthia is impressed with Kramer’s ambitious cooking an offers him a position as sue chef to Mario Batali on one episode of Iron Chef America. Kramer jumps at the opportunity explaining that he "has a long history in the restaurant industry." Jerry with knowing skepticism replies "Is that right?" To which Kramer replies "I've been a technician at H&H bagels off and on for the last 20 years and I once almost opened a pizzeria."

George is dismayed that his nice leather work shoes have finally fallen apart and are now unwearable after being worn to work every single day since graduating from college. When shopping for a replacement pair with Elaine, who has a crush on the shoe salesman, George is disgusted to find that all the work shoes on the market "are made with as much craftsmanship as a wet paper bag." George starts to storm out of the store when he notices a pair of orange rubber sandals in a corner. The shoe salesman explains that they are called Crocs and are probably the most comfortable and durable footwear ever created, but no one in there right mind would wear them in a work environment. George purchases them right then and there much to Elaine's embarrassment.

George wears his new orange Crocs everywhere, including the coffee shop where Jerry, Kramer and Elaine are having lunch. Upon noticing George's footwear Jerry pushes his tuna fish sandwich away in disgust and announces "I think I just lost my appetite." Kramer is quick to defend George's Crocs on the grounds that they look "as comfortable as my wooly slippers." George explains to the group that he has never been happier with a pair of shoes and that his friends had better get used to them because he is going to be wearing them all the time now, even to work.

Inspired by George's example of "exercising his right to comfortable footwear," Kramer starts wearing his wooly slippers all around town. He even wears them to the taping of Iron Chef America where he meets Iron Chef Mario Batali just seconds before the battle begins. Kramer notices that the Iron Chef is wearing orange Crocs. Assuming that the Iron Chef is also an afficionado of comfortable foot wear Kramer shows the Iron Chef that he is wearing his wooly slippers on greasy floors of kitchen stadium. The Iron Chef is visibly taken aback, as the timer begins he sets down his knife muttering dejectedly, "I think I just lost my appetite."

Check out Brian's blog at

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Prom Theme Ideas with Mr. Awesome

Its second period right now and I have a small group of juniors in an advanced biology class. They are talking about prom. Renting limos, getting hotel rooms, hair styles, prom themes.

The Gateway prom this year is downtown at The Renaissance Grand Hotel. I'm not sure if a final decision has been made on the theme but everyone in this classroom is leaning towards, 007.

A James Bond themed prom is an alright idea, especially for the class of 2007, but I suggested another, better prom theme. A Night in the Gymnasium.

Imagine decorating the Renaissance Grand's main ballroom with basketball hoops and bacteria laden blue wrestling mats. Throw up a couple of mock state champion banners in the rafters and it would be like having your prom in an actual highschool gymnasium. The non-athletic kids could refuse to dress and sit in the bleachers like they do in gym class instead of having to stand awkwardly around the punch bowl. The best part is A Night in the Gymnasium has a built in fail safe mechanism. If the dancing and romancing never really takes off, you can always bust out a couple of basketballs and get everybody into a giant game of knockout in formal wear.

If my theme idea works out I am ready and willing to chaperon prom in a Nike jogging suit with a whistle around my neck. It would be my pleasure.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Proof Positive

That I rule as a substitute teacher:

Today four different students tried to sneak in to In School Suspension. Not a single one tried to sneak out.