The Day Is Long And The Notebook Is Empty

Ever since I saw Jerry Seinfeld's movie Comedian, I have had it in my mind to start tinkering with a standup comedy routine. That was years ago and somehow it took me until today to realize that substitute teaching is the perfect job to have while working on a routine. Seven different captive audiences of 20 to 30 bored teenagers every day. The only question is, would they rather do worksheets or watch Mr.Lee embarass himself? The sad thing is that I honestly don't know the answer to that question.

The highschool environment is rich with potential material, school lunches, pregnant girls, pep rallies, homework, in-school, Mr. Walter's breath and on and on. The only real problem is going to be finding a replacemant for the butt sex jokes that everyone knows are the heart and soul of good comedy.

Taking The "Pal" Out Of Principal

Friday came and went and there was no basketball game. The principal dangled the carrot and gave us all the stick. Now I'm really questioning why I went into subbing in the first place.

I was so disgusted with Gateway after the basketball game psych-out that I went to work at Roosevelt today. There are 1,100 students at Roosevelt. 850 of them have a GPA of less than 2.0. Yikes. But on the plus side, their sports teams are called the Rough Riders.

Game On.

The Big Game

My only goal for this week is to earn a spot on the team for the annual Seniors vs. Faculty Basketball Game. I'll do whatever it takes. Whatever it takes

Hallway Literature.

A partial list of the witty T-shirt slogans students were wearing today:

I ride the short bus

All this and brains too

I'm not unmotivated
I'm just lazy

It's my birthday
Who wants a piece?

Keep laughing
this is your girlfriends T-shirt

And then there's the shirt that Terrance wore to school today.

I may not be Mr. Right
but i'll fuck you
until he shows up

Somewhere out there in a huge suburban home, a witty screenshop employee turned mulit-millionaire is sipping Bud Selects with his huge chested wife and thanking God for Chinese made T-shirts and highschool kids with disposable income.

Senior Awesome.

The countless hours I've spent studying menus at Mexican resturants really paid off today in Mr. Linehan's Spanish class. Each class begin with a primer on the differences between authentic Mexican and Tex Mex. Fourth period I did an entire half hour comparing and contrasting the merits of Chihuahua cheese with Jack, Cheddar, and Nacho. Then fifth period I explained why Xenophobia is the real reason subtle, sophisticated Mole sauce is overlooked as one of the great sauces in all of world cusine.

Its like some make believe dude said 2000 years ago. Give a child a burrito, feed him for a day. Teach a child how to order a burrito, feed him for a lifetime.

Utility Man. Or, Thats Mr. Oquendo to you.

Its 9:16am, and in 2 hours I have already subbed in four different classrooms for four different teachers. At this rate, when the last bell rings at 2:18, I will have subbed 14 classrooms for 14 teachers. That may be a record. However, I'd happily settle for as few as 5 different assignments today, so long as one of them is principal, security guard, custodian or lunch lady. Classroom teaching is old news. I need a new challenge. Let me French some Fries already.

Unrelated: A student totally cracked me up yesterday. He was telling me about all his girlfriends in the classroom; Cabneta (he pointed at the cabinet), Pencilla (showed me his pencil) and his best girl Deskiny (hugged his desk).

Authentic Experiences.

Its no secret that I went to a private highschool, and that the private highschool experience is very different from The Highschool Experience. I never rode the bus. I never brought a sack lunch. I never witnessed an actual fist fight in my entire educational career. We didn't even have a Prom Queen. I might as well have gone from grade school straight to graduate school.

How can a person be expected live normal American life without having ever walked into a school bathroom cloudy with weed smoke, or seeing two girls rip each others weaves out? These experiences are the things that make Americans American. The Highschool Experience is the glue that binds countless disperate individuals into one cohesive nation.

Thats the reason I love subbing so much. Its like getting paid to go to a public highschool; but without any of the responsibilities of being a student. Yesterday I saw a fist fight in the boys bathroom. Today was toasted ravioli day in the cafeteria. Tommorow is Veterans Day (observed).

I don't have any homework and I don't have to grade any homework.

When I was still in school my parents used to tell me that someday, when I had a real job and real responsibilities, I would give anything to be back in school. Well, I am back in school, and I didn't have to give anything. There even paying me to be here.

This is True.

Today, I unknowingly locked a student in a sheet metal cabinent.

Nevermind My Last Post.

Gym is the best assignment a sub can get. Band is only second best so long as the instruments in the band are not amplified.

Today I'm subbing for a guitar teacher. There are no less than 11 amplifiers in his room. Thats like teaching in a classroom with a loaded gun under every table.

I'm surrounded by Lamb Of God T-shirts and Guitar World Magazines, pimpled faces, mop hair cuts, and dirt staches. I don't have an accurate class list, and I'm apparently the only thing resembling an authority figure on the entire 4th floor. It's enough to make any sub feel a little vulnerable.

My only defense is the ability to recognize their broken attempts to play Reign In Blood and Angel Of Death. I can only hope that owning more than one Slayer album is enough to pacify these blood thirsty Juggalos and keep me in one piece until 2:18p.m.

School of Rock

Band and Gym are the two best assignments a sub can get. Thats because the students don't have to be quiet, and theres tons of stuff to play with. Like the Seth Thomas Electronic Metronome that I have set to pulse at 192 beats per minute to facilitate the blogging process.

The downside to band is that there is no basketball hoop and therefore the likelihood of me getting paid $91 to play basketball all day is greatly diminished. There is however, both a gong, and crash symbols, not to mention some mideval torture device that I suspect may be a rudamentary pipe organ. So its looking like a pretty good day.